Beyond Willpower: A Smarter Way to Lasting Change
More Than Just Willpower
Even as a child, I felt a quiet tension—something unresolved that I needed to figure out. While other kids played, I often sat observing, convinced that if I could just find the right solution, I’d finally feel at peace.
I recall sitting alone on a kindergarten bench, watching others play. Deep down, I formed a subtle yet powerful belief: "I have to solve this on my own." This shaped my approach to struggles for many years. Asking for support felt challenging—if I couldn’t solve it myself, who could?
At the same time, I was curious and sometimes rebellious, questioning rules and pressing for clarity. In my early teens, that heartfelt curiosity led me to a turning point: when I was 14, a teacher sent me to a coach. Rather than resist, I was fascinated. The coach noticed how naturally I grasped the method, and my passion for transformation work quietly took root—even as I pursued a more technical path later on.
A Technical Career—Yet Something Was Missing
I eventually went into a technical career, solving complex problems under pressure. Though I thrived initially, I began to wonder: What truly matters to me?
The answer kept returning to those early experiences of coaching. I cared about meaningful transformation—more than just intellectual problem-solving, I wanted lasting change at a deeper level.
To test whether it was more than nostalgia, I offered coaching to friends. Word spread quickly. Friends expressed how my precise thinking combined with deep presence helped them find clarity. It confirmed once again that true, sustained change isn’t just about willpower; it’s about addressing what’s under the surface.
Discovering Internal Family Systems (IFS)
About a year ago, a trainer I admire mentioned No Bad Parts by Dr. Richard C. Schwartz. I read it in a few days, and IFS immediately resonated. Watching Dr. Schwartz (“Dick”) at work was profoundly inspiring—and the process itself is elegantly simple.
Dick drew from techniques I had already explored—client-centered approaches and Gestalt therapy’s chairwork. Coming from a scientific background, he followed the data into uncharted territory. Rather than forming a theory first and searching for evidence afterward, his method emerged directly from lived experience.
At its heart, IFS offers a powerful yet accessible idea: each of us has a calm, compassionate Self, and various “parts” that strive to protect us—even if, at times, they create internal conflict or tension. This approach was exactly the structured yet intuitive framework I’d been seeking.
Allowing Myself to Receive Support
Although I understood the theory, for years I avoided seeking support myself. That old belief—“I have to handle everything alone”—kept me isolated. But when I finally decided to work with an IFS coach, everything shifted.
In these sessions, I observed my protective strategies—the parts always craving control—begin to relax. They recognized they didn’t need to defend me as fiercely as they once did. As they eased, I felt a profound sense of spaciousness, relaxation, and calm confidence emerge.
"Allowing external support wasn't admitting weakness; it was recognizing my human interconnectedness. My growth deepened when I finally accepted I didn’t have to do this alone."
A Glimpse of Transformation
One of my clients, Sanni, described her experience this way:
"In Sebastian’s gentle but confident facilitation, I've felt deeply safe, supported, seen, and celebrated—with all my vulnerabilities and parts. After just a few sessions, I've found incredible inner safety and a profound calm. This work has been among the most transformative experiences of my journey."
Originally developed for individuals in intense struggle, IFS also helps those who seem to “manage everything” yet still carry an undercurrent of tension.
Quick Exercise: Meet Your Inner Critic with Curiosity
If, like many of us, you have an inner critic—a voice that’s critical, demanding, or constantly pushing—try this simple exercise:
- Focus inside. Take a moment to notice that critical voice or tension.
- Gently acknowledge it: Rather than analyze or argue with it, say (internally), “I sense you. Is there something you’d like me to know?”
- Listen curiously. You don’t need to change or challenge anything right now; simply stay open and curious.
These small, compassionate moments can spark meaningful shifts over time.
You Don’t Have to Do This Alone
If you’ve been carrying life’s tensions by yourself for too long, remember: You don’t have to do this alone.
When our protective parts feel safe enough to relax—often with caring guidance—we discover a deeper calm that’s been there all along. This is how true, lasting transformation happens.
I invite you to explore this in an introductory session:
No push, no pressure—just a safe space to see if this resonates with you.
No longer fleeting, peace becomes our natural state—and this transformation is infinitely more powerful than simply trying harder alone.
— Sebastian Suter